Law Enforcement Humor
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They Don't Come Any Dumber ...

SYDNEY (Reuters) - Bemused diners watched as three hapless thieves unsuccessfully tried to kick open a sliding door in a botched attempt to rob an Australian seafood restaurant, police said on Monday.

The men, wearing balaclavas, ran off empty-handed but left their bootprints on the industrial-strength glass door in a robbery bid that Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio said could have been mistaken as "a rehearsal for a slapstick comedy."

Police said about 20 diners watched as the men, one of whom was carrying a knife, tried to push open the door of the restaurant in the coastal village of Gerringong, 140 km (85 miles) south of Sydney, and then began kicking the glass.

"They're probably more dangerous because they're dumb," police investigator Jamie Williams said.

Restaurant owner Greg Moore said diners remained calm as they watched events unfold while enjoying dessert and coffee.

"The door's open, the sign says 'Slide' but obviously with their balaclavas they couldn't read too well," Moore said.

Diners were given complimentary bottles of wine after the bizarre episode. Police later found what they believe to be a stolen car used in the robbery attempt, and are continuing their investigations.


The Pope, the Limo Driver and the Cop

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo that was going a hundred and five mph.

" So, bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that. He's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"


Cop lines

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."


Confusing the Border Guards

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.

"What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and, proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand.

This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.

"Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"



2003 - Criminal STUPIDITY Award Winners

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked ...

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company suspecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cashdrawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the Snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.


11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.



There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph, enjoying the wind Blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great" he thought, and floored it some more. He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights Flashing, and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at more than 120 mph.

And then he thought "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and then I'm going on a two week vacation. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."


Cemetary Plot

One day a police officer was driving his squad through the cemetary as police officers do on the midnight shift. He came upon an auto with its headlights off and no persons were visible. The officer exited his vehicle and approached the suspicious auto and noticed two youthful occupents jump up and began to button their clothing.

The officer asked, "Didn't you see the sign on the front gate -- Closed After 6:00 P.M.?"

The youth responded, "No sir, officer. We came in the back gate where it says get lots while you're young!!!!"


Anyway You Slice It

Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on.

On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?"

Joe says, "Yes I did."

"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."

"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is," the cop says. "Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."


Drunk, Driving

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


Not A Prayer ...

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."


Top Ten Signs You're Overworked and Understaffed:

1) You haven't been home in three days.
2) You don't have time to take a shower, so you walk through a car wash on your beat.
3) Your social life consists of hanging out and chatting with the suspects in the holding cells.
4) Your love life consists of driving past your house flashing your spouse.
5) Your spouse does something to get arrested just to spend some time with you.
6) The stress is so bad that instead a breakfast cereal you have a bowl of Tums; and instead of milk, you pour Pepto Bismol on it.
7) For Thanksgiving you and your partner feed each other two turkey T.V. dinners, while one of you drives and the other one answers calls on the radio.
8) You try to request immediate back-up, but the dispatcher puts you on hold.
9) Misdemeanors are no longer a crime because there are not enough officers to respond.
10) The suspect in the holding cell lost 20 pounds because no one remembered to feed him.


Police Department's Office Answering Machine

Hello, you have reached the Police Department's Voice Mail. Pay close attention -- we have to update the choices often as new and usual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:

To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created yourself, press 1.

To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.

To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5.

If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.

To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.

To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping you in line, press 9.

Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember ... we're here to save your butt, NOT kiss it!

Thanks for calling your local Police Deptartment, and have a nice day.


Terror Update ...

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction ...


How to call the police ...

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said,"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


Kudos to Tide laundry detergent

Dear Tide Laundry Detergent:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking problem.

One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product.

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.


It's all about training ...

Careless Code Recycling Causes Killer Kangas:
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and -- in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix, herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively ... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

The lesson?

Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.


Last Wish

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."



While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"



It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,"What'd he do?"


Murphy's Law of law enforcement

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy stains. Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off. Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift. You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station. Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud. The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke. Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom". If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction. Coffee machines only break down on the graveyard shift. Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts. You will only forget to go to court when the case is presided over by the meanest Judge in town. To error is human, to forgive is against department policy. You will find a "police discount" one day before payday. Shatterproof flashlights seldom are. You will remain in perfect health until your days off. Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you. No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas. Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break. The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you. Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day. Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours. Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff. You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions. If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you. The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer. Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy. Bullet proof vests might be. The number of citizens that approach you during lunch is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to eat. Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit. Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density. Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket. NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet. Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way. You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training. The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting. Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done. Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder. You receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first day of your paid for, nonrefundable vacation. In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks. Do unto others, but do it first. Eat right, Exercise, Die anyway. You will be called into work on your day off when your family has planned a party at the lake. Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat. Waterproof boots aren't. You will be flagged down by a citizen when you are on your way to the PD with a bad case of diarrhea. You will only be stopped for speeding off duty when you have forgotten your badge and DL Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off. There will be no parking spaces around the court house when you are running late to appear. There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives. You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray. You will only be subpoenaed to court at 0900 hrs in the morning after working an 18 hour day. To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible! Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you off-duty. The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee! No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea...usually the Chief's. If your patrol car's air is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog. On the nights where you have to go grocery shopping in uniform, you will get pissed on by a drunk. When your in a hurry, that is when all slow and "lack of attention" drivers are driving on the road. You always have a big use of force on your Friday before your vacation. Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you. If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house. The one time you cuss on the radio, your chief will be listening Your overheads and siren will only fail during a pursuit. You will only roll through a stop sign when your Chief is sitting at the other side of the intersection. K-9 units only do stupid thing's in public. The day you let your girlfriend ride out with you, your wife comes by the station to visit. Court will be canceled only after you have changed all your plans to be there. You will be decorated for stupidity, and busted for brilliant work. When closing the Sally Port door, if a fellow officers car is under it pushing the stop button will only slow it down. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Anything that you do can get you shot - including doing nothing! The first sip from the first coffee of your shift always triggers the dispatcher to send you on a call usually an emergency or something that will cause the coffee to go cold before you can return to it. You will only lock yourself out of your cruiser when a Supervisor is on scene, about to arrive on scene or is the only person available to fetch the spare set of keys from the station. Putting in a request to go home early is the best way to jinx yourself and end up on overtime. It will always be busy as hell when you don't feel like doing anything and will always be dead as heck when you are out looking for something to do. Just when you are thinking about making a pit stop in case they call you for an emergency they'll call you for an emergency. Crime only occurs on days that end in y. You will only talk bad about another officer when they are standing behind you. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. You will run out of road flares on the foggiest or darkest night of the year. Don't think of it as being outnumbered and surrounded, think of it as a really low risk of ammunition wastage. When placing cuffs on a suspect, you will always close them to the point that it takes half an hour to back them up so blood can circulate. The one time you wake up late and don't have time to iron your uniform is the one time the chief comes to roll call. Your transmission will work just fine, until you get into a chase. The only time Chief's come out from behind their desk is to overreact! After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. You will only get a citizen complaint when your video camera or tape recorder is broken. Your cars AM/FM radio will only go out when you have had only 4 hours of sleep before your shift. Your radar will only malfunction when you see a car you know is going over 100 MPH. You will always get a "Hot" call at the same moment you realize your weapon is still in the gun locker back at the jail. For every good deed done there is a Lawyer to undo it. The one time you order that expensive lunch is the only time you are told by dispatch to break for a hot call, right after the food is served of course. The one unimportant fact that you forget to record at a crime scene will be the one that the defense cross examine you about and that the prosecutor tells you is "Crucial to this case!" Out of 10 traffic stops, the violator you gave a warning to instead of a cite is the one who file a personnel complaint against you. After taking a sign language course, you use sign to a deaf driver and citizens call the station to complain about seeing you doing strange things and touching yourself on a traffic stop. The intensity and number of war stories told is inversely proportional to the street experience of the storyteller. Anyone who doesn't notice an unmarked car is probably not doing anything illegal anyway. Anyone opting for a foot chase is always carrying at least 20 pounds less than you are. Your time is always less important than the time of the judge and prosecutor. Equipment always fails at the most inopportune time. usually right after you've checked to make sure it's working. When a cop does something right, no one remembers --when a cop does something wrong, no one forgets. The "big" pay raise will always come next year. One day YOU will know why your FTO was so picky and cranky. No matter how quiet the radio has been, an emergency call will be dispatched in your beat just after you stop your first car of the night. You only lock yourself out of the squad car, when your portable radio is not working. On the day you make the felony arrest of your career, just as the news mini cams arrive your zipper will break. No good deed goes unpunished. The only time there is paper in the dispenser at the station is when you don't need it. When you come to the last form in the file, only you will burn copies of it. Departmental Intelligence Units....aren't very. The higher the oath, the bigger the lie...except when your Sergeant is telling the story. Just when you get a nice brand new squad car, the first offender you pick up is going to be a drunk that will get sick in the car. The only consistent thing about any law enforcement agency, will be its inconsistency. When you get old, with lots of experience, and need the peace and quiet, they will pair you up with a rookie! The first bad-guy your trainee decides to tick off will have at least three black belts in three different martial arts. What is said in the patrol car stays in the patrol car -- unless it was said in the patrol car. There is a code of silence in law enforcement -- until Internal Affairs, the news media, and lawyers get involved. Looking good in uniform more than compensates for incompetence. When you are late for work and in a hurry to iron your uniform shirt, the power system will fail suddenly. The time you need to transmit on the radio comes immediately after you have taken a big bite of your lunch. Rookies will ask the Dispatcher "Do we have a clear channel?" on the radio only when you are clearing a house on an alarm call!! You only need assistance in a hurry when you are in the part of town your radio doesn't work in. Your portable radio will only malfunction when you have accidentally set off your car horn, which remains stuck, as you follow the Hell's Angels down the freeway on your way to work. Your alarm clock is guaranteed to break, making you late for work, the day after you receive a department-wide memo regarding attendance policy and punishments. The only car you let go with a warning ticket will be stopped ten minutes later and the driver arrested for transporting the largest quantity of illegal drug in your county's history. If the guy you pull over for speeing says he was going so fast becaause he has diarrhea, and for one reason or another you have to put him in the patrol car, it will turn out he wasn't kidding. Your department will always be over budget, and your equipment will always be older than you. Never date Murphys' daughter, especially when Murphy is the Chief. A police officer who wields a baton or other impact weapon in a fight is more likely to strike another cop then a criminal.


The Department's Budget problems are worse than we thought!

Seems we need to look into augmenting the equipment category ...


Dumb Criminals from all over!

Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Paulding, Ohio: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

Drug Possession Defendant: Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.


Just following directions ...

We don't know if this is really true or not, but it could be ... and it seems appropriate for the site:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home.

He says no - he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.

Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.

The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back. They hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

Said to be a true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.


Will wonders ever cease?

~~ When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

~~ The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. Their crack investigator tried the machine out himself ... and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

~~ A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

~~ After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

~~ An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.



The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the officer. "Let's go."

Obviously comforted, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."


Dumb Criminals:

Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the panel off the machine, however, they pulled the bumper off the truck. Scared, they left the scene of the crime. Their bumper, along with their license plate was still attached to the ATM.

A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the cash, the man fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serving a prison sentence. He gave the court a check--a forged check. He was sentenced to ten years.

Greenwood, Indiana
An Indiana man broke into McDonald's early one morning. When police officers pulled up to the drive-through window and asked the man what he was doing, he promptly replied he was a burglar. When officers went inside to arrest the man, they found him trying to open a safe with a hamburger spatula.

While a family was gone on summer vacation, a criminal broke into the house stealing everything. After he had picked up his loot, he noticed some silly putty on the table and pushed his thumb in it. The police traced the thumb print and the man was quickly arrested.

A woman calmly walked into a grocery store and headed straight for the meat counter. When she saw that no one was looking, she shoved a chicken up her jumper and walked out of the store. A police officer stopped her and the woman turned around with a shocked looked on her face. She swore the chicken had fallen from the sky and landed in her arms. The woman stuck with her story until police showed her the surveillance video of her theft.



(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, Sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, Sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, Sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, Sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, Sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, Sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?


No Charge

Policeman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night."

Man: "What's the charge officer?"

Policeman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service."


Mother Nature

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the lady's room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing their waiting for her.

Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."


Steering Problem

A policeman noticed a car swerving all over the road and proceeded to pull the vehicle over. He could tell the guy was obviously drunk because of the strong alcohol smell on his breath while he was asking for his license and registration. The cop said, "Okay! out of the car buddy, you're drunk!"

The driver said, slurring his words, "Thank goodness for that, I thought my steering had gone on me."


Job Opening

Slim, not the brightest light in the harbor, walked into the local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall. Word for word he slowly read it out loud: "MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN CALIFORNIA."

"Gosh," he said, "if that there job was only here in TEXAS, I'd apply fer it."