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THE DARWIN AWARDS

It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST! Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.

And the nominees were:

No. 1 A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

No. 2 Three Brazilian men were flying in a light ai rcraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

No. 3 A 22-year-old Reston , Virginia , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

No. 4 A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was admitted to hospital.

No. 5 Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.? After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now, ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):

Winner: The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist... had somehow got hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.

He had driven his Chevy Impala into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of r oad. He attached the JATO to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick ru bber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?

PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE STILL AMONGST US .. AND STILL BREEDING (and VOTING) - SCARY, ISN'T IT?

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Traffic Cop Vs. Violator

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "battleship mouth and rowboat ass".

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an 'AH' in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation.He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and say, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. 

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

The officer responds, "Yes, sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes, sir. In the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined".

Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer:  "Aggressive and hostile, sir"

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes, sir."

Attorney: "Officer .. are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Officer: "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do !"

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Europe and Terror

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross " Londoner's have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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THE IDIOT REPORT

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet ... the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy ... but you still get a sign

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign ...

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

EXTRA:

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. (probably Weyauwega, Wisconsin) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

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True Stories

The phone call to the Sacramento Police Department was from an irate husband. He was complaining about his nagging wife and he wanted police to "take care of her." Officer Kevin Mulderrig, noticing bad reception on the line, asked the man where he was calling from.

"Los Angeles," he answered.

"Sir, do you know this is the Sacramento Police Department?" Mulderrig asked. "Why don't you phone the Los Angeles Police Department with your spousal complaint?"

"I did that," the man responded. "They told me that there was nothing they could do about it, and if I didn't like it, I should phone Sacramento."

The element of surprise: The above incident, which occurred in the mid-1960s, is one of several true stories from police and fire personnel collected in "First Responders Handbook of Humor" by L.A. firefighter John B. Hicks and L.A. Sheriff's Deputy Dan Jordan.

One of the themes is that emergency personnel never know what they're going to encounter.

Take the time Deputy John Swensen (now retired) went to a house to take a burglary report. With clipboard in hand, he was greeted by a woman who pointed to a room and said, "He's in there."

"Who?" Swensen asked.

"My husband has him in the back room," she explained.

Swensen cautiously entered and found an older man shakily pointing a rifle at a juvenile on the floor.

Said the young burglary suspect: "I've never been so happy to see a cop."

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Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a police station. She tells an officer it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

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Knitting

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!", the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

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Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

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Funny Policemen

There are some pretty funny policemen out there!  I personally like the last one!  Have a good snicker!

15). "Relax; the handcuffs are  tight because they're new.  They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

14). "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13). "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12). "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?  In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

11). "So you don't know how fast you were going.  I guess that  means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

10). "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh! did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

9). "Warning!  You want a warning ?  O.K., I'm warning you not to  do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8). "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7). "Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey crap."

6). "Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5). "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

4). " Just how big were those two beers?"

3). "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

2). "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.  At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And the best...

1). "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right,  we don't.  Sign here.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven, but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am, nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn... I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.

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Police Harassment

Recently, a California website ran (not ours) an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) where the topic was "Policing the Community." One of the civilian email participants posed the following question:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"

From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) a cool cop with a sense of humor replied:

It is not easy. In California we average one cop for every 2,000 people. About 60% of those cops are on patrol, where we do most of the harassing. One-fifth of that 60% are on duty at any given moment and are available for harassing people. So, one cop is responsible for harassing about 10,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial, business and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 20,000 or more people each day.

A ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. Most cops are not up to it, day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we harass.

They are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase we use. Then we come out and give special harassment. Another popular one on a weeknight is, "The kids next door are having a loud party."

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars blasting music, cars with expired registration stickers and the like. It is lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, are driving drunk, or they have an outstanding warrant.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.

CODES: When you can think of nothing else to do, there are books that give ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Codes" Penal, Vehicle, Health and Safety, Business and Professional Codes, to name a few. They spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the code, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window. Well, the code says that is not allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy.

It is a pretty cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because the good citizens who pay the tab actually like the fact that we keep the streets safe for them.

Next time you are in my town, give me a single finger wave. That will be a signal that you wish for me to take a little closer look at you, and then maybe I'll find a reason to harass YOU.

Looking forward to meeting you!

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POLICE REPORT - Breath test

A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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DING-A-LING

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears laughing ...

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Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not!

Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:  I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher:  Do you have an  address?
Caller:  No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks,  why?

~~~
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher:  Excuse me?
Caller:  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came  back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher:  Was anything else  taken?
Caller:  No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it

~~~
Dispatcher:  9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller:  Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher:  How can I  help you sir?
! Caller:< /SPAN>  I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher:  Yes sir, do you have an  emergency?
Caller:  Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put  these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher:  Help you what?
Caller:  Help me get these chains on my car!

~~~
Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What is  the nature of your emergency?
Caller:  I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:  This  is nine eleven.
Caller:  I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher:  Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller:  Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

~~~
Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What's  the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
! Dispatcher:  Is this her first child?
Caller:  No, you idiot!  This is her husband!

~~~
And the winner  is..........

Dispatcher:  9-1-1
Caller:  Yeah,  I'm having trouble breathing.  I'm all out of breath.  Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher:  Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:  I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher:  Sir, an ambulance is on the way.  Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:  No
Dispatcher:  What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller:  Running from the  Police

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Maine State Troope

An Old Maine farmer got pulled over by a Maine State trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing it, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are Ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well, yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies ."

So the old Maine farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found circlin' around the back end of a horse.

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

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Knitting

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

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Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

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Dead BMW

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

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Suspect Meets Immovable Object

First mentioned in the Star News, an L.A. County sheriff's publication: A driver stopped in Malibu on suspicion of drunk driving jumped out of his car and raced across Pacific Coast Highway.

"The deputies watched in amazement as the guy negotiated his way across the busy highway, being narrowly missed by several vehicles," said the publication.

"Then, when it looked like he would surely be hit by a car doing about 50 mph, he assumed his best Heisman Trophy pose and actually stiff-armed the side of the car as it passed him. Without breaking stride, he continued running blindly into the night." There was, however, one obstacle ahead.

It was so dark, the magazine said, the suspect "apparently didn't see the mountain directly in his path. He ran face-first into the immovable object, nearly knocking himself unconscious."

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Senior Moment

This is supposed to be a true story. I hope so!!!!!!!!

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

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