Best Comeback Line from a Cop
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during
a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have
a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your
clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with
your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room
you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess
was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this
year's "Best Comeback" line and we think he'll win.
Cop ingenuity or criminal stupidity?
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing
a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
Excuses heard by a Sheriff ...
These are true. I was a Sheriff, and these are some of the excuses
I heard. I actually wrote very few tickets, about 1-2 a week, but
when they came up with really lame excuses, I just had to.
People who got the ticket;
Guy on a motorcycle doing 110mph at 1 in the morning: "I was cold
so I wanted to get home fast."
Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone;
"I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking."
Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone;
"No speaka english."
After receiving the ticket, "You son of a *&^%$, you wrote me a
People who did not get a ticket;
I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he
had a radar detector on his dash (Yes, that's how close I was and
he didn't look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and
activated my radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes
so hard he skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I
couldn't write him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little
Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone;
"I just won the lottery."
He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the
lottery office was closed on Sundays!
But this guy was my favorite;
I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125mph in a 65 zone.
I told him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the
purchase papers for the car and said, "I've waited my whole life
to own this car. I bought it yesterday and have been driving it
ever since. It was 4 in the morning, no one else was around, and
I just wanted to really open it up once, to see what it would do."
I handed him back his license and said, "That makes perfect sense
Read and Beware!
LOCK YOUR DOORS!!!!!! Be sure you lock your doors and windows
A man from Indianapolis, Indiana was found dead in his home last
weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his
bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a
banana was sticking out of his rear-end.
The Police suspect a cereal killer.
Parts is Parts
I was working the complaint desk at Parking Enforcement, we
took citizen complaints about parking problems.
One day, late in the afternoon , I took a call from an elderly lady.
She said that there was a car parked in front of her house that
had been there a week and she had reported it on Monday. This was
Wednesday, so I explained to her that it took us two weeks to mark,
warn and tow the vehicle.
She said "I know that, but there are five gentlemen taking parts
off the vehicle. Are those your officers?"
I couldn't help myself, I replied " ma'am, we don't take the car
in pieces, we take it all at once. There is a crime being commited
in front of your home. Please contact your local police authority."
Bucket of Chicken
I've got a family friend who is an Illinois State Trooper. One
day he was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned
onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a
chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket
of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket
still atop his car.
So my tropper friend decides to pull him over and perform a community
service by letting the driver know about his his chicken. He walked
up to the car, took the bucket of chicken its roof and offered it
to the driver.
The driver looks at the him and says, "No thanks, I just bought
Mouthfull of Justice
I was dispatched to a burglary call. When I arrived at the scene,
I was met by the complaining party. It seems someone had broken
into his large barn sometime during the night. He took me to the
door and showed me where someone had thrown-up or had a bowel movement.
I made the observation that the perpetrator was probably intoxicated
and had thrown-up.
However, the complaintant disagreed with me about this. He told
me that he had another idea why the would-be thief had gotten sick.
Seems inside the barn was a large motor home. Sitting on the floor,
near the side of the vehicle was a five gallon gas can. Near the
gas can was a piece of siphoning hose. It was obvious that the perpetrator
had intended to steal some gas from the motor home.
However, he had made an error in doing so. Being unfamiliar with
this type of vehicle, the perpetrator had removed the gas cap, or
so he thought. He then stuck in the siphon hose, placed his mouth
on the other end of the hose and began to suck. The only problem
was the perpetrator had not taken off the gas cap, but had removed
the cap that goes to the portable sewage container.
The complaintant advised me that he had just gotten back from a
camping trip and had not had a chance to empty the sewage tank,
the perpetrator had drawn up a mouth full of raw human sewage.
Work or Prison?
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make
things a bit more clear ...
IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK ... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK ... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK ... you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.
IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK ... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK ... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON ... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON ... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK ... they are called managers.
So, why is it that we work again?
Tough in Texas
Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over
by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with
his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the
cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for!?"
The cop answers, "You're in Texas, Son. When we pull you over, you
better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives
the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and
taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK,
the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for!?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna
say to your buddy, 'I wish that idiot would've tried that crap with
In the Deep South . . .
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40
and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"
A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her
7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were
flying by her.
After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road,
she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over
the speed limit.
Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump
that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights
of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come
up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Her 7 year old son piped up from the back seat, "I do ... because
you couldn't catch the other cars!"
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his
potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would
have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his
son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply from his son, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE,
Dad, don't dig up the garden ... that's where I buried the GUNS!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up
the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him
what happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best
I could do at this time."
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about
5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing
a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy,
how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him horse caca. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the car with the first. I called him another name and he started
writing out a third!!
This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner.
"The Confession ... NYC Style"
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from
all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf
person for this job, thinking if he were to get caught he wouldn't
be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.
But he gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in
a safe place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends
some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf man and ask him where the money is. But
the collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the
guy to a sign language interpreter.
A Mafia goon says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're
The Mafia guy pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of
the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in
the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know
what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to
pull the trigger."
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the
phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window."
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied, "I'll have
to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
Caught for Speeding
As the cop got out of his car, the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the
The young man replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
Stuck Under a Bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes
up that reads "low bridge ahead" and before he knows it the overpass
is right ahead of him and his 18 wheeler gets jammed underneath.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and
says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out of gas."
I'm Going to a Lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car
parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
A middle-aged man bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He
took off down the road, easily got his speed up to 80 mph and enjoyed
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought, and he accelerated some more. Then
he looked in his rear view mirror ... and there was a Highway Patrol
State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren wailing.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, so he
floored it and almost instantly was flying down the road at over
100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this
kind of thing."
So, he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State
Trooper to catch up with him. The officer pulled in behind the Mercedes
and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch, "my shift ends in just a couple
of minutes. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go with a warning."
The man looked at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off
with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking
a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a
po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads,
and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
Good, Better, Best
GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,
but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10 year
old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which
read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice
down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
(And we used to just sell lemonade.)
BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through
an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute,
he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded
with another mailed photo of handcuffs. The motorist paid the ticket.
BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized
what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle
and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several
An elderly lady called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She became hysterical as she explained
her situation to the dispatcher.
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal
and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer who'd responded radioed in. "Disregard,"
he said. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT
Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border
San Antonio, Texas (Rooters)
Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining
CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading
for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the
way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked
the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of
El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first
spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where
they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against
pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily
inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent
profit for the fiscal second quarter.
This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill
to California for $4.5 billion.
Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse
were noticeably frustrated.
"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand
behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse
spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name
of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've
been on the phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying
on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of
them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor,"
said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths
to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices
to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of
the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails,"
said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was
totally out of the loop on that.'"
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were
Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's
Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen,
and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal
and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas
as they have already been indicted.
So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including
Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had
cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing
off Highway 375.
"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask
for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman
place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said
Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No.
7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."
Things to Never Say to a Cop ...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer (OK in Texas).
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition
to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me
a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are
no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer
your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the
police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in the back
seat of your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "OK, then ... lets see you do
So the juggler gets out gets his lighter fluid and matches all set,
and, sure enough, he starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Just
look at the test they're giving now!"
Killing Time ...
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking."
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.
He gets closer to the vehicle and sees there's a young man behind
the wheel, reading a computer magazine, and a young woman in the
rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
knocks at the window.
The young man lowers his window, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine ..."
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is
The young man shrugs, "I believe she's knitting a pullover ..."
The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night
and nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, Sir ..."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and says, "She'll be 18 in ...
20 minutes ..."
Road Hazzard ?
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22
He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -
two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white
as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer,
I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems
to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger
to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly ... twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in
this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered
a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route
How "Not" to Get Shot by Police
Recently, in an area on the West Coast, an inordinate number of
police-officer-involved shootings took place. As a result, several
suspects were fatally injured.
Newspapers in the area, quoting local "community activists," editorialized
that, with all these shootings by police, "any citizen" could find
himself dodging police bullets, for no apparent reason at all !
Responding to the newspaper editorials, a Deputy District Attorney,
who is obviously community minded, submitted a five point plan designed
to assist citizens, who might otherwise be randomly shot by police,
in staying out of the path of police bullets.
The newspaper never printed it, but I thought you might appreciate
it, even if they didn't.
"I've devised a five point plan to help citizens avoid being shot
by police. This plan may not prevent all shootings, but very few
will take place when the plan is rigorously adhered to.
So, here are the rules:
1. Don't commit violent crimes. I know this seems elementary,
but this rule is lost on many. They do the crime, get shot, and
then wonder how it could possibly happen. They whine that it is
so unfair. Well, violent crime, like jumping in front of moving
cars, is just a high risk occupation.
2. If you ignore rule No. 1, and the police do confront you, Don't
run away from them. I know it's hard to believe, but that may
make them think you're guilty of something. Hiding in bushes or
closets makes some cops very nervous. They might even foolishly
conclude that you're up to no good!
3. If you disregard rules 1 and 2, and the cops catch up with you
anyway and inform you that you are under arrest, Don't make fast
movements with your hands. I know it sounds silly, but grabbing
a shiny beer can or a dark colored wallet may make police officers
mistakenly believe that you are about to hurt them.
4. If you disregard rules 1, 2, and 3, and manage to get what looks
like a deadly weapon into your hands, Don't point it at the cops.
We all know that you're basically a nice person, but that may
be lost on the police officers confronting you. In their paranoia,
they may even believe they need to protect themselves.
5. If you disregard rules 1, 2, 3, and 4, Don't be astonished
if the cops do not instantly turn into your personal confidante.
They may be too preoccupied to realize that you're normally a splendid
person and that you're just having a bad day. They may be too preoccupied
to see that when you point a weapon at them in a threatening manner,
it is just your way of crying out for help. We both know that the
whole problem can be traced to the fact that your mother didn't
breast feed you, but some police officers are so cynical they just
don't see it.
So, there you have it. If you really apply yourself and obey even
some of the rules listed above, I bet you'll avoid the vast majority
of police gunfire.
Deputy DA, Los Angeles, California
Stolen Truck Leaves Long Doughnut Trail - SLIDELL, Louisiana
March 29, 2002 7:07 am EST, (Reuters)
Two people left a 15-mile-long trail of doughnuts after they took
a Krispy Kreme truck from a parking lot and fled, police said on
According to Slidell police spokesman Rob Callahan, the truck was
parked at a convenience store with its rear doors open and engine
running while a deliveryman carried doughnuts inside.
Two suspects hopped in the truck and sped off to the nearby town
of Lacombe, with doughnuts spilling out along the way, he said.
They abandoned the truck when they were spotted by police responding
to reports of a dangerous driver who was losing his doughnuts. Passenger
Rose Houk, 31, was captured, but the driver, whose name was not
released, ran away. Houk told police they had been smoking crack
cocaine for several hours before the incident, which occurred Wednesday.
Police spokesman Rob Callahan stated their motive for taking the
Krispy Kreme truck was unclear.
"I don't know if it was a need for transportation of if they just
had the munchies."
Editorial note: If I were going to steal a vehicle a doughnut truck
would be the LAST vehicle I would choose!! Talk about something
that would get the attention of every cop in the area !!!!
Pigheadedness Lands Man in Pigpen - PAINSESVILLE, Ohio
Steven Thompson's disorderly conduct landed him in a public sty.
Thompson, 44, had two options when he appeared in court last week
to plead guilty to a charge of disorderly conduct. He could serve
three days in jail or stand in a pen for two hours on a city sidewalk
next to a 350-pound pig with a sign reading, "This is not a police
officer." Thompson picked the latter and served his sentence on
Feb. 8 in front of a jovial lunchtime crowd that included his teenage
daughter and several friends, according to a Painesville police
department spokesman. The disorderly conduct charge stemmed from
a Jan. 28 confrontation with a city police officer during which
Thompson used the word "pig" amid an array of obscenities. The altercation
took place when the officer was completing a disturbance report
in his patrol car. Some criticized Judge Michael Cicconetti, saying
the unconventional sentence was a publicity stunt, and even arguing
that Thompson's First Amendment rights were violated. But the judge,
known for his creative sentencing for misdemeanors, said that Thompson
was charged for being disorderly, not for his speech.
Law Catches Up with Talkative Fugitive - TICONDEROGA, New York
A man who called police to brag that he couldn't be caught was arrested
while still on the phone. Michael LaRock, 22, was recently arrested
in Georgia after a year on the lam on burglary charges. LaRock had
been indicted for stealing from a motel room in Essex County, N.Y.,
in January 2001, but shortly after fled the area, according to Ticonderoga
police officer Daniel Charlton. On Jan. 22, authorities say LaRock
called the Ticonderoga police and boasted that he would never be
caught. LaRock told police to give up looking for him and to stop
bothering his family near Massena, a town near the Canadian border.
LaRock would call and then hang up within three minutes, saying
he knew how the system worked and how numbers can be traced, according
to Charlton. But LaRock miscalculated. Police were almost immediately
able to track LaRock to an Auburn, Ga., address through a caller
identification system. Charlton contacted the Auburn police department
and notified them of the suspect. LaRock then called police back.
"I was on the phone with him when I heard the doorbell ring," Charlton
told Court TV. "He got up to answer it and then I heard a scuffle.
It was the police. He was arrested right there after a short chase."
Charlton and another officer drove down to Georgia on Jan. 31 to
bring LaRock back to Essex County.
Naked Woman Takes Off in Police Cruiser - BURLINGTON, North Carolina
Bare she goes! A Florida woman is in custody after she allegedly
paraded naked in downtown Burlington and then stole the cruiser
of the responding police officer. The sequence of events began at
about 11 p.m. on Feb. 5 when Cpl. J.W. Snow responded to a call
about a suspicious woman attempting to get into cars outside a local
convenience store. When he arrived, Cpl. Snow found Joy Lynn Tedesco,
totally nude in 22-degree weather, trying to flag down motorists.
The officer immediately directed Tedesco into the backseat of the
cruiser to get her out of the cold and proceeded to get a blanket
from the trunk, according to Maj. Randy Jones of the Burlington
police department. But as Cpl. Snow walked toward the back of his
cruiser, Tedesco managed to squeeze through the plastic shield separating
the front and back seats and drove off. Cpl. Snow had opened the
shield to allow heat to get through. After a four-minute chase that
reached speeds of 60 mph, authorities were able to corner Tedesco
in a parking lot and apprehend her. During the pursuit, Tedesco
rammed a cruiser, causing $400 in damage, Jones told Court TV. Tedesco,
33, faces numerous charges, including car theft, speeding to elude
arrest, driving while impaired, driving with a revoked license and
assaulting a police officer. At the station, police found Tedesco
clutching onto a crack pipe. Her clothes were later recovered on
the steps of a boarding house near where she was originally picked
And Finally, this last one's long, but really funny ...
and a Cat - NORRISTOWN, New Jersey
Talk about Murphy's Law ... God bless Law Enforcement … (long, but
This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his
head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the
experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you
right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though,
and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two
cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken
identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.
First, some background … My husband, Rich, and I had just returned
from a five-day spring-break vacation in the Cayman Islands, where
I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself
that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise.
We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had
planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related
vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to
prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning.
I sat down at my desk to think about William Carlos Williams, and
around ten o'clock I heard Rich hollering something undecipherable
from the kitchen.
As I raced out to see what was wrong, I saw Rich frantically rooting
around under the kitchen sink and Rudy, or rather, Rudy's headless
body scrambling around in the sink, his claws clicking in panic
on the metal. Rich had just ground up the skin of some smoked salmon
in the garbage disposal, and when he left the room, Rudy (whom we
always did call a pinhead) had gone in after it. It is very disturbing
to see the headless body of your cat in the sink. This is an animal
that I have slept with nightly for ten years, who burrows under
the covers and purrs against my side, and who now looked like a
desperate, fur-covered turkey carcass, set to defrost in the sink
while it's still alive and kicking. It was also disturbing to see
Rich, Mr. Calm-in-an-Emergency, at his wits end, trying to soothe
Rudy, trying to undo the garbage disposal, failing at both, and
basically freaking out.
Adding to the chaos was Rudy's twin brother Lowell, also upset,
racing around in circles, jumping onto the kitchen counter and alternately
licking Rudy's butt for comfort and biting it out of fear. Clearly,
I had to do something.
First we tried to ease Rudy out of the disposal by lubricating his
head and neck. We tried Johnson's baby shampoo (kept on hand for
my nieces visits) and butter-flavored Crisco: both failed, and a
now-greasy Rudy kept struggling.
Rich then decided to take apart the garbage disposal, which was
a good idea, but he couldn't do it. Turns out, the thing is constructed
like a metal onion: you peel off one layer and another one appears,
with Rudy's head still buried deep inside, stuck in a hard plastic
collar. My job during this process was to sit on the kitchen counter
petting Rudy, trying to calm him, with the room spinning (vertigo),
Lowell howling (he's part Siamese), and Rich clattering around with
tools. When all our efforts failed, we sought professional help.
I called our regular plumber, who actually called me back quickly,
even at 11 o'clock at night (thanks, Dave). He talked Rich through
further layers of disposal dismantling, but still we couldn't reach
Rudy. I called the 1-800 number for Insinkerator (no response),
a pest removal service that advertises 24-hour service (no response),
an all-night emergency veterinary clinic who had no experience in
this matter, and so, (no advice), and finally, in desperation, 911.
I could see that Rudy's normally pink paw pads were turning blue.
The fire department, I figured, gets cats out of trees; maybe they
could get one out of a garbage disposal.
The dispatcher had other ideas and offered to send over two policemen.
This suggestion gave me pause. I'm from the sixties, and even if
I am currently a fine upstanding citizen, I had never considered
calling the cops and asking them to come to my house, on purpose.
I resisted the suggestion, but the dispatcher was adamant: "They'll
help you out," he said.
The cops arrived close to midnight and turned out to be quite nice.
More importantly, they were also able to think rationally, which
we were not.
They were, of course, quite astonished by the situation: "I've never
seen anything like this," Officer Mike kept saying. (The unusual
circumstances helped us get quickly on a first-name basis with our
cops.) Officer Tom expressed immediate sympathy for our plight.
"I have had cats all my life, "he said, comfortingly. Also he had
an idea. Evidently we needed a certain tool, a tiny, circular rotating
saw that could cut through the heavy plastic flange encircling Rudy's
neck without hurting Rudy, and Officer Tom happened to own one.
"I live just five minutes from here," he said; "I'll go get it."
He soon returned, and the three of them, Rich and the two policemen
got under the sink together to cut through the garbage disposal.
I sat on the counter, holding Rudy and trying not to succumb to
the surreal-ness of the scene, with the weird middle-of-the-night
lighting, the rooms occasional spinning, Lowell's spooky sound effects,
an apparently headless cat in my sink and six disembodied legs poking
out from under it. One good thing came of this: the guys did manage
to get the bottom off the disposal, so we could now see Rudy's face
and knew he could breathe. But they couldn't cut the flange without
risking the cat.
Stumped, Officer Tom had another idea. "You know," he said, "I think
the reason we can't get him out is the angle of his head and body.
If we could just get the sink out and lay it on its side, I'll bet
we could slip him out."
That sounded like a good idea at this point, ANYTHING would have
sounded like a good idea and as it turned out, Officer Mike runs
a plumbing business on weekends; he knew how to take out the sink!
Again they went to work, the three pairs of legs sticking out from
under the sink surrounded by an ever-increasing pile of tools and
sink parts. They cut the electrical supply, capped off the plumbing
lines, unfastened the metal clamps, unscrewed all the pipes, and
about an hour later, voila! The sink was lifted gently out of the
countertop, with one guy holding the garbage disposal (which contained
Rudy's head) up close to the sink (which contained Rudy's body).
We laid the sink on its side, but even at this more favorable removal
angle, Rudy stayed stuck.
Officer Tom's radio beeped, calling him away on some kind of real
police business. As he was leaving, though, he had another good
idea: "You know," he said, "I don't think we can get him out while
he's struggling so much. We need to get the cat sedated. If he were
limp, we could slide him out."
And off he went, regretfully, a cat lover still worried about Rudy.
The remaining three of us decided that getting Rudy sedated was
a good idea, but Rich and I were new to the area. We knew that the
overnight emergency veterinary clinic was only a few minutes away,
but we didn't know exactly how to get there. "I know where it is!"
declared Officer Mike. "Follow me!"
So Mike got into his patrol car, Rich got into the drivers seat
of our car, and I got into the back, carrying the kitchen sink,
what was left of the garbage disposal, and Rudy. It was now about
2 a.m. We followed Officer Mike for a few blocks when I decided
to put my hand into the garbage disposal to pet Rudy's face, hoping
I could comfort him. Instead, my sweet, gentle bedfellow chomped
down on my finger, hard, really hard and wouldn't let go.
My scream reflex kicked into gear, and I couldn't stop the noise.
Rich slammed on the breaks, hollering "What? What happened? Should
I stop?" checking us out in the rear view mirror. "No," I managed
to get out between screams, "just keep driving. Rudy's biting me,
but we've got to get to the vet. Just go!" Rich turned his attention
back to the road, where Officer Mike took a turn we hadn't expected,
and we followed. After a few minutes Rudy let go, and as I stopped
screaming, I looked up to discover that we were wandering aimlessly
through an industrial park, in and out of empty parking lots, past
little streets that didn't look at all familiar. "Where's he taking
us?" I asked. "We should have been there ten minutes ago!"
Rich was as mystified as I was, but all we knew to do was follow
the police car until, finally, he pulled into a church parking lot
and we pulled up next to him. As Rich rolled down the window to
ask, Mike, "where are we going?" The cop, who was not Mike, rolled
down his window and asked, "Why are you following me?"
Once Rich and I recovered from our shock at having tailed the wrong
cop car and the policeman from his pique at being stalked, led us
quickly to the emergency vet, where Mike greeted us by holding open
the door, exclaiming, " Where were you guys???" It was lucky that
Mike got to the vet's ahead of us, because we hadn't thought to
call and warn them about what was coming. (Clearly, by this time
we weren't really thinking at all.) We brought in the kitchen sink
containing Rudy and the garbage disposal containing his head, and
the clinic staff was ready. They took his temperature (which was
down 10 degrees) and his oxygen level (which was only half normal
and the vet declared: "This cat is in serious shock. We've got to
sedate him and get him out of there immediately."
When I asked if it was OK to sedate a cat in shock, the vet said
grimly, "We don't have a choice." With that, he injected the cat.
Rudy went limp; and the vet squeezed about half a tube of petroleum
jelly onto the cat's neck and pulled him free. Then the whole team
jumped into code blue mode. (I know this from watching a lot of
ER) They laid Rudy on a cart, where one person hooked up IV fluids,
another put little socks on his paws ("You'd be amazed how much
heat they lose through their pads," she said), one covered him with
hot water bottles and a blanket, and another took a blow-dryer to
warm up Rudy's now very gunky head. The fur on his head dried in
stiff little spikes, making him look rather pathetically punk as
he lay there, limp and motionless.
At this point they sent Rich, Mike, and me to sit in the waiting
room while they tried to bring Rudy back to life. I told Mike he
didn't have to stay, but he just stood there, shaking his head.
"I've never seen anything like this," he said again. At about 3
am, the vet came in to tell us that the prognosis was good for a
full recovery. They needed to keep Rudy overnight to re-hydrate
him and give him something for the brain swelling they assumed he
had, but if all went well, we could take him home the following
night. Just in time to hear the good news, Officer Tom rushed in,
finished with his real police work and concerned about Rudy. I figured
that once this ordeal was over and Rudy was home safely, I would
have to re-think my position on the police.
Rich and I got back home about 3:30. We hadn't unpacked from our
trip, I was still intermittently dizzy, and I still hadn't prepared
my 8:40 class. "I need a vacation," I said, and while I called the
office to leave a message canceling my class, Rich made us a pitcher
I slept late the next day and then badgered the vet about Rudy's
condition until he said that Rudy could come home later that day.
I was working on the suitcases when the phone rang. "Hi, this is
Steve Huskey from the Norristown Times-Herald," a voice told me.
"Listen, I was just going through the police blotter from last night.
Mostly it's the usual stuff: Breaking and entering, petty theft
but there's this one item. Um, do you have a cat?" So I told Steve
the whole story, which interested him. A couple hours later he called
back to say that his editor was interested, too, did I have a picture
The next day Rudy was front-page news, under the ridiculous headline
Catch of the Day Lands Cat in Hot Water.
There were some noteworthy repercussions to the newspaper article.
Mr. Huskey had somehow inferred that I called 911 because I thought
Rich, my husband, was going into shock, although how he concluded
this from my comment that his pads were turning blue, I don't quite
So the first thing I had to do was call Rich at work ... Rich, who
had worked tirelessly to free Rudy … and swear that I had been misquoted.
When I arrived at work myself, I was famous; people had been calling
my secretary all morning to inquire about Rudy's health. When I
called our regular vet (whom I had met only once) to make a follow-up
appointment for Rudy, the receptionist asked, "Is this the famous
Rudy's mother?" When I brought my car in for routine maintenance
a few days later, Dave, my mechanic, said, "We read about your cat.
Is he OK?" When I called a tree surgeon about my dying red oak,
he asked if I knew the person on that street whose cat had been
in the garbage disposal. And when I went to get my hair cut, the
shampoo person told me the funny story her grandma had read in the
paper, about a cat that got stuck in the garbage disposal. Even
today, over a year later, people ask about Rudy, whom a 9-year-old
neighbor had always called the Adventure Cat because he used to
climb on the roof of her house and peer in the second-story window
I don't know what the moral of this story is, but I do know that
this adventure cost me $1100 in emergency vet bills, follow-up vet
care, new sink, new plumbing, new electrical wiring, and new garbage
disposal, one with a cover. The vet can no longer say he's seen
everything but the kitchen sink.
I wanted to thank Officers Tom and Mike by giving them gift certificates
to the local hardware store, but was told that they couldn't accept
gifts, that I would put them in a bad position if I tried. So I
wrote a letter to the Police Chief praising their good deeds and
sent individual thank-you notes to Tom and Mike, complete with pictures
of Rudy, so they could see what he looks like with his head on.
And Rudy, whom we originally got for free (or so we thought), still
sleeps with me under the covers on cold nights and unaccountably,
he still sometimes prowls the sink, hoping for fish ...