LACP.org
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Law Enforcement Humor
it never hurts to laugh a little
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Other Humor Pages:
Humor - Humor 1 - Humor 2

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Best Comeback Line from a Cop

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line and we think he'll win.

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Cop ingenuity or criminal stupidity?

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

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Excuses heard by a Sheriff ...

These are true. I was a Sheriff, and these are some of the excuses I heard. I actually wrote very few tickets, about 1-2 a week, but when they came up with really lame excuses, I just had to.

People who got the ticket;
Guy on a motorcycle doing 110mph at 1 in the morning: "I was cold so I wanted to get home fast."

Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone;
"I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking."

Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone;
"No speaka english."
After receiving the ticket, "You son of a *&^%$, you wrote me a ticket!"

People who did not get a ticket;
I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he had a radar detector on his dash (Yes, that's how close I was and he didn't look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and activated my radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes so hard he skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I couldn't write him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little embarrassed.

Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone;
"I just won the lottery."
He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the lottery office was closed on Sundays!

But this guy was my favorite;
I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125mph in a 65 zone. I told him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the purchase papers for the car and said, "I've waited my whole life to own this car. I bought it yesterday and have been driving it ever since. It was 4 in the morning, no one else was around, and I just wanted to really open it up once, to see what it would do."

I handed him back his license and said, "That makes perfect sense to me."

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Read and Beware!

LOCK YOUR DOORS!!!!!! Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A man from Indianapolis, Indiana was found dead in his home last weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his rear-end.

The Police suspect a cereal killer.

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Parts is Parts

I was working the complaint desk at Parking Enforcement, we took citizen complaints about parking problems.

One day, late in the afternoon , I took a call from an elderly lady. She said that there was a car parked in front of her house that had been there a week and she had reported it on Monday. This was Wednesday, so I explained to her that it took us two weeks to mark, warn and tow the vehicle.

She said "I know that, but there are five gentlemen taking parts off the vehicle. Are those your officers?"

I couldn't help myself, I replied " ma'am, we don't take the car in pieces, we take it all at once. There is a crime being commited in front of your home. Please contact your local police authority."

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Bucket of Chicken

I've got a family friend who is an Illinois State Trooper. One day he was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still atop his car.

So my tropper friend decides to pull him over and perform a community service by letting the driver know about his his chicken. He walked up to the car, took the bucket of chicken its roof and offered it to the driver.

The driver looks at the him and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."

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Mouthfull of Justice

I was dispatched to a burglary call. When I arrived at the scene, I was met by the complaining party. It seems someone had broken into his large barn sometime during the night. He took me to the door and showed me where someone had thrown-up or had a bowel movement. I made the observation that the perpetrator was probably intoxicated and had thrown-up.

However, the complaintant disagreed with me about this. He told me that he had another idea why the would-be thief had gotten sick. Seems inside the barn was a large motor home. Sitting on the floor, near the side of the vehicle was a five gallon gas can. Near the gas can was a piece of siphoning hose. It was obvious that the perpetrator had intended to steal some gas from the motor home.

However, he had made an error in doing so. Being unfamiliar with this type of vehicle, the perpetrator had removed the gas cap, or so he thought. He then stuck in the siphon hose, placed his mouth on the other end of the hose and began to suck. The only problem was the perpetrator had not taken off the gas cap, but had removed the cap that goes to the portable sewage container.

The complaintant advised me that he had just gotten back from a camping trip and had not had a chance to empty the sewage tank, the perpetrator had drawn up a mouth full of raw human sewage.

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Work or Prison?

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear ...

IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK ... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK ... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK ... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK ... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK ... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON ... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON ... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK ... they are called managers.

So, why is it that we work again?

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Tough in Texas

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for!?"

The cop answers, "You're in Texas, Son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for!?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that idiot would've tried that crap with me!'"

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In the Deep South . . .

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "'Bout what?"

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Pulled over


A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.

After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Her 7 year old son piped up from the back seat, "I do ... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

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Inside help

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply from his son, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden ... that's where I buried the GUNS!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

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Parking tickets


I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him horse caca. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. I called him another name and he started writing out a third!!

This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn.

My car was parked around the corner.

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"The Confession ... NYC Style"


The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job, thinking if he were to get caught he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. But he gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf man and ask him where the money is. But the collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to a sign language interpreter.

A Mafia goon says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Mafia guy pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

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911 call

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window."

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied, "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

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Caught for Speeding

As the cop got out of his car, the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The young man replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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Stuck Under a Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead" and before he knows it the overpass is right ahead of him and his 18 wheeler gets jammed underneath. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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I'm Going to a Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

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Unique Excuse

A middle-aged man bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, easily got his speed up to 80 mph and enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought, and he accelerated some more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror ... and there was a Highway Patrol State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren wailing.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, so he floored it and almost instantly was flying down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

So, he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The officer pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch, "my shift ends in just a couple of minutes. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go with a warning."

The man looked at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."

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Two Rednecks

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

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Good, Better, Best

GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. The motorist paid the ticket.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

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Senior Moment

An elderly lady called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She became hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher.

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer who'd responded radioed in. "Disregard," he said. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

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REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT
Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border
San Antonio, Texas (Rooters)

Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.

Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."

"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.

"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

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Things to Never Say to a Cop ...


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer (OK in Texas).

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

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The Juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in the back seat of your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "OK, then ... lets see you do it."

So the juggler gets out gets his lighter fluid and matches all set, and, sure enough, he starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Just look at the test they're giving now!"

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Killing Time ...

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.

He gets closer to the vehicle and sees there's a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine, and a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window.

The young man lowers his window, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine ..."

Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs, "I believe she's knitting a pullover ..."

The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, Sir ..."

"And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and says, "She'll be 18 in ... 20 minutes ..."

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Road Hazzard ?

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

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How "Not" to Get Shot by Police


Recently, in an area on the West Coast, an inordinate number of police-officer-involved shootings took place. As a result, several suspects were fatally injured.

Newspapers in the area, quoting local "community activists," editorialized that, with all these shootings by police, "any citizen" could find himself dodging police bullets, for no apparent reason at all !

Responding to the newspaper editorials, a Deputy District Attorney, who is obviously community minded, submitted a five point plan designed to assist citizens, who might otherwise be randomly shot by police, in staying out of the path of police bullets.

The newspaper never printed it, but I thought you might appreciate it, even if they didn't.

"I've devised a five point plan to help citizens avoid being shot by police. This plan may not prevent all shootings, but very few will take place when the plan is rigorously adhered to.

So, here are the rules:

1. Don't commit violent crimes. I know this seems elementary, but this rule is lost on many. They do the crime, get shot, and then wonder how it could possibly happen. They whine that it is so unfair. Well, violent crime, like jumping in front of moving cars, is just a high risk occupation.

2. If you ignore rule No. 1, and the police do confront you, Don't run away from them. I know it's hard to believe, but that may make them think you're guilty of something. Hiding in bushes or closets makes some cops very nervous. They might even foolishly conclude that you're up to no good!

3. If you disregard rules 1 and 2, and the cops catch up with you anyway and inform you that you are under arrest, Don't make fast movements with your hands. I know it sounds silly, but grabbing a shiny beer can or a dark colored wallet may make police officers mistakenly believe that you are about to hurt them.

4. If you disregard rules 1, 2, and 3, and manage to get what looks like a deadly weapon into your hands, Don't point it at the cops. We all know that you're basically a nice person, but that may be lost on the police officers confronting you. In their paranoia, they may even believe they need to protect themselves.

5. If you disregard rules 1, 2, 3, and 4, Don't be astonished if the cops do not instantly turn into your personal confidante. They may be too preoccupied to realize that you're normally a splendid person and that you're just having a bad day. They may be too preoccupied to see that when you point a weapon at them in a threatening manner, it is just your way of crying out for help. We both know that the whole problem can be traced to the fact that your mother didn't breast feed you, but some police officers are so cynical they just don't see it.

So, there you have it. If you really apply yourself and obey even some of the rules listed above, I bet you'll avoid the vast majority of police gunfire.

Deputy DA, Los Angeles, California

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Stolen Truck Leaves Long Doughnut Trail
- SLIDELL, Louisiana
March 29, 2002 7:07 am EST, (Reuters)

Two people left a 15-mile-long trail of doughnuts after they took a Krispy Kreme truck from a parking lot and fled, police said on Thursday.

According to Slidell police spokesman Rob Callahan, the truck was parked at a convenience store with its rear doors open and engine running while a deliveryman carried doughnuts inside.

Two suspects hopped in the truck and sped off to the nearby town of Lacombe, with doughnuts spilling out along the way, he said.

They abandoned the truck when they were spotted by police responding to reports of a dangerous driver who was losing his doughnuts. Passenger Rose Houk, 31, was captured, but the driver, whose name was not released, ran away. Houk told police they had been smoking crack cocaine for several hours before the incident, which occurred Wednesday.

Police spokesman Rob Callahan stated their motive for taking the Krispy Kreme truck was unclear.

"I don't know if it was a need for transportation of if they just had the munchies."

Editorial note: If I were going to steal a vehicle a doughnut truck would be the LAST vehicle I would choose!! Talk about something that would get the attention of every cop in the area !!!!

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Pigheadedness Lands Man in Pigpen - PAINSESVILLE, Ohio


Steven Thompson's disorderly conduct landed him in a public sty. Thompson, 44, had two options when he appeared in court last week to plead guilty to a charge of disorderly conduct. He could serve three days in jail or stand in a pen for two hours on a city sidewalk next to a 350-pound pig with a sign reading, "This is not a police officer." Thompson picked the latter and served his sentence on Feb. 8 in front of a jovial lunchtime crowd that included his teenage daughter and several friends, according to a Painesville police department spokesman. The disorderly conduct charge stemmed from a Jan. 28 confrontation with a city police officer during which Thompson used the word "pig" amid an array of obscenities. The altercation took place when the officer was completing a disturbance report in his patrol car. Some criticized Judge Michael Cicconetti, saying the unconventional sentence was a publicity stunt, and even arguing that Thompson's First Amendment rights were violated. But the judge, known for his creative sentencing for misdemeanors, said that Thompson was charged for being disorderly, not for his speech.

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Law Catches Up with Talkative Fugitive - TICONDEROGA, New York

A man who called police to brag that he couldn't be caught was arrested while still on the phone. Michael LaRock, 22, was recently arrested in Georgia after a year on the lam on burglary charges. LaRock had been indicted for stealing from a motel room in Essex County, N.Y., in January 2001, but shortly after fled the area, according to Ticonderoga police officer Daniel Charlton. On Jan. 22, authorities say LaRock called the Ticonderoga police and boasted that he would never be caught. LaRock told police to give up looking for him and to stop bothering his family near Massena, a town near the Canadian border. LaRock would call and then hang up within three minutes, saying he knew how the system worked and how numbers can be traced, according to Charlton. But LaRock miscalculated. Police were almost immediately able to track LaRock to an Auburn, Ga., address through a caller identification system. Charlton contacted the Auburn police department and notified them of the suspect. LaRock then called police back. "I was on the phone with him when I heard the doorbell ring," Charlton told Court TV. "He got up to answer it and then I heard a scuffle. It was the police. He was arrested right there after a short chase." Charlton and another officer drove down to Georgia on Jan. 31 to bring LaRock back to Essex County.

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Naked Woman Takes Off in Police Cruiser - BURLINGTON, North Carolina


Bare she goes! A Florida woman is in custody after she allegedly paraded naked in downtown Burlington and then stole the cruiser of the responding police officer. The sequence of events began at about 11 p.m. on Feb. 5 when Cpl. J.W. Snow responded to a call about a suspicious woman attempting to get into cars outside a local convenience store. When he arrived, Cpl. Snow found Joy Lynn Tedesco, totally nude in 22-degree weather, trying to flag down motorists. The officer immediately directed Tedesco into the backseat of the cruiser to get her out of the cold and proceeded to get a blanket from the trunk, according to Maj. Randy Jones of the Burlington police department. But as Cpl. Snow walked toward the back of his cruiser, Tedesco managed to squeeze through the plastic shield separating the front and back seats and drove off. Cpl. Snow had opened the shield to allow heat to get through. After a four-minute chase that reached speeds of 60 mph, authorities were able to corner Tedesco in a parking lot and apprehend her. During the pursuit, Tedesco rammed a cruiser, causing $400 in damage, Jones told Court TV. Tedesco, 33, faces numerous charges, including car theft, speeding to elude arrest, driving while impaired, driving with a revoked license and assaulting a police officer. At the station, police found Tedesco clutching onto a crack pipe. Her clothes were later recovered on the steps of a boarding house near where she was originally picked up.

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And Finally, this last one's long, but really funny ...

Cops and a Cat - NORRISTOWN, New Jersey

Talk about Murphy's Law ... God bless Law Enforcement (long, but really funny)

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

First, some background My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a five-day spring-break vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise.

We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think about William Carlos Williams, and around ten o'clock I heard Rich hollering something undecipherable from the kitchen.

As I raced out to see what was wrong, I saw Rich frantically rooting around under the kitchen sink and Rudy, or rather, Rudy's headless body scrambling around in the sink, his claws clicking in panic on the metal. Rich had just ground up the skin of some smoked salmon in the garbage disposal, and when he left the room, Rudy (whom we always did call a pinhead) had gone in after it. It is very disturbing to see the headless body of your cat in the sink. This is an animal that I have slept with nightly for ten years, who burrows under the covers and purrs against my side, and who now looked like a desperate, fur-covered turkey carcass, set to defrost in the sink while it's still alive and kicking. It was also disturbing to see Rich, Mr. Calm-in-an-Emergency, at his wits end, trying to soothe Rudy, trying to undo the garbage disposal, failing at both, and basically freaking out.

Adding to the chaos was Rudy's twin brother Lowell, also upset, racing around in circles, jumping onto the kitchen counter and alternately licking Rudy's butt for comfort and biting it out of fear. Clearly, I had to do something.

First we tried to ease Rudy out of the disposal by lubricating his head and neck. We tried Johnson's baby shampoo (kept on hand for my nieces visits) and butter-flavored Crisco: both failed, and a now-greasy Rudy kept struggling.

Rich then decided to take apart the garbage disposal, which was a good idea, but he couldn't do it. Turns out, the thing is constructed like a metal onion: you peel off one layer and another one appears, with Rudy's head still buried deep inside, stuck in a hard plastic collar. My job during this process was to sit on the kitchen counter petting Rudy, trying to calm him, with the room spinning (vertigo), Lowell howling (he's part Siamese), and Rich clattering around with tools. When all our efforts failed, we sought professional help. I called our regular plumber, who actually called me back quickly, even at 11 o'clock at night (thanks, Dave). He talked Rich through further layers of disposal dismantling, but still we couldn't reach Rudy. I called the 1-800 number for Insinkerator (no response), a pest removal service that advertises 24-hour service (no response), an all-night emergency veterinary clinic who had no experience in this matter, and so, (no advice), and finally, in desperation, 911.

I could see that Rudy's normally pink paw pads were turning blue. The fire department, I figured, gets cats out of trees; maybe they could get one out of a garbage disposal.

The dispatcher had other ideas and offered to send over two policemen. This suggestion gave me pause. I'm from the sixties, and even if I am currently a fine upstanding citizen, I had never considered calling the cops and asking them to come to my house, on purpose. I resisted the suggestion, but the dispatcher was adamant: "They'll help you out," he said.

The cops arrived close to midnight and turned out to be quite nice. More importantly, they were also able to think rationally, which we were not.

They were, of course, quite astonished by the situation: "I've never seen anything like this," Officer Mike kept saying. (The unusual circumstances helped us get quickly on a first-name basis with our cops.) Officer Tom expressed immediate sympathy for our plight. "I have had cats all my life, "he said, comfortingly. Also he had an idea. Evidently we needed a certain tool, a tiny, circular rotating saw that could cut through the heavy plastic flange encircling Rudy's neck without hurting Rudy, and Officer Tom happened to own one. "I live just five minutes from here," he said; "I'll go get it."

He soon returned, and the three of them, Rich and the two policemen got under the sink together to cut through the garbage disposal. I sat on the counter, holding Rudy and trying not to succumb to the surreal-ness of the scene, with the weird middle-of-the-night lighting, the rooms occasional spinning, Lowell's spooky sound effects, an apparently headless cat in my sink and six disembodied legs poking out from under it. One good thing came of this: the guys did manage to get the bottom off the disposal, so we could now see Rudy's face and knew he could breathe. But they couldn't cut the flange without risking the cat.

Stumped, Officer Tom had another idea. "You know," he said, "I think the reason we can't get him out is the angle of his head and body. If we could just get the sink out and lay it on its side, I'll bet we could slip him out."

That sounded like a good idea at this point, ANYTHING would have sounded like a good idea and as it turned out, Officer Mike runs a plumbing business on weekends; he knew how to take out the sink! Again they went to work, the three pairs of legs sticking out from under the sink surrounded by an ever-increasing pile of tools and sink parts. They cut the electrical supply, capped off the plumbing lines, unfastened the metal clamps, unscrewed all the pipes, and about an hour later, voila! The sink was lifted gently out of the countertop, with one guy holding the garbage disposal (which contained Rudy's head) up close to the sink (which contained Rudy's body). We laid the sink on its side, but even at this more favorable removal angle, Rudy stayed stuck.

Officer Tom's radio beeped, calling him away on some kind of real police business. As he was leaving, though, he had another good idea: "You know," he said, "I don't think we can get him out while he's struggling so much. We need to get the cat sedated. If he were limp, we could slide him out."

And off he went, regretfully, a cat lover still worried about Rudy. The remaining three of us decided that getting Rudy sedated was a good idea, but Rich and I were new to the area. We knew that the overnight emergency veterinary clinic was only a few minutes away, but we didn't know exactly how to get there. "I know where it is!" declared Officer Mike. "Follow me!"

So Mike got into his patrol car, Rich got into the drivers seat of our car, and I got into the back, carrying the kitchen sink, what was left of the garbage disposal, and Rudy. It was now about 2 a.m. We followed Officer Mike for a few blocks when I decided to put my hand into the garbage disposal to pet Rudy's face, hoping I could comfort him. Instead, my sweet, gentle bedfellow chomped down on my finger, hard, really hard and wouldn't let go.

My scream reflex kicked into gear, and I couldn't stop the noise. Rich slammed on the breaks, hollering "What? What happened? Should I stop?" checking us out in the rear view mirror. "No," I managed to get out between screams, "just keep driving. Rudy's biting me, but we've got to get to the vet. Just go!" Rich turned his attention back to the road, where Officer Mike took a turn we hadn't expected, and we followed. After a few minutes Rudy let go, and as I stopped screaming, I looked up to discover that we were wandering aimlessly through an industrial park, in and out of empty parking lots, past little streets that didn't look at all familiar. "Where's he taking us?" I asked. "We should have been there ten minutes ago!"

Rich was as mystified as I was, but all we knew to do was follow the police car until, finally, he pulled into a church parking lot and we pulled up next to him. As Rich rolled down the window to ask, Mike, "where are we going?" The cop, who was not Mike, rolled down his window and asked, "Why are you following me?"

Once Rich and I recovered from our shock at having tailed the wrong cop car and the policeman from his pique at being stalked, led us quickly to the emergency vet, where Mike greeted us by holding open the door, exclaiming, " Where were you guys???" It was lucky that Mike got to the vet's ahead of us, because we hadn't thought to call and warn them about what was coming. (Clearly, by this time we weren't really thinking at all.) We brought in the kitchen sink containing Rudy and the garbage disposal containing his head, and the clinic staff was ready. They took his temperature (which was down 10 degrees) and his oxygen level (which was only half normal and the vet declared: "This cat is in serious shock. We've got to sedate him and get him out of there immediately."

When I asked if it was OK to sedate a cat in shock, the vet said grimly, "We don't have a choice." With that, he injected the cat. Rudy went limp; and the vet squeezed about half a tube of petroleum jelly onto the cat's neck and pulled him free. Then the whole team jumped into code blue mode. (I know this from watching a lot of ER) They laid Rudy on a cart, where one person hooked up IV fluids, another put little socks on his paws ("You'd be amazed how much heat they lose through their pads," she said), one covered him with hot water bottles and a blanket, and another took a blow-dryer to warm up Rudy's now very gunky head. The fur on his head dried in stiff little spikes, making him look rather pathetically punk as he lay there, limp and motionless.

At this point they sent Rich, Mike, and me to sit in the waiting room while they tried to bring Rudy back to life. I told Mike he didn't have to stay, but he just stood there, shaking his head. "I've never seen anything like this," he said again. At about 3 am, the vet came in to tell us that the prognosis was good for a full recovery. They needed to keep Rudy overnight to re-hydrate him and give him something for the brain swelling they assumed he had, but if all went well, we could take him home the following night. Just in time to hear the good news, Officer Tom rushed in, finished with his real police work and concerned about Rudy. I figured that once this ordeal was over and Rudy was home safely, I would have to re-think my position on the police.

Rich and I got back home about 3:30. We hadn't unpacked from our trip, I was still intermittently dizzy, and I still hadn't prepared my 8:40 class. "I need a vacation," I said, and while I called the office to leave a message canceling my class, Rich made us a pitcher of martinis.

I slept late the next day and then badgered the vet about Rudy's condition until he said that Rudy could come home later that day.

I was working on the suitcases when the phone rang. "Hi, this is Steve Huskey from the Norristown Times-Herald," a voice told me. "Listen, I was just going through the police blotter from last night. Mostly it's the usual stuff: Breaking and entering, petty theft but there's this one item. Um, do you have a cat?" So I told Steve the whole story, which interested him. A couple hours later he called back to say that his editor was interested, too, did I have a picture of Rudy?

The next day Rudy was front-page news, under the ridiculous headline Catch of the Day Lands Cat in Hot Water.

There were some noteworthy repercussions to the newspaper article. Mr. Huskey had somehow inferred that I called 911 because I thought Rich, my husband, was going into shock, although how he concluded this from my comment that his pads were turning blue, I don't quite understand.

So the first thing I had to do was call Rich at work ... Rich, who had worked tirelessly to free Rudy and swear that I had been misquoted. When I arrived at work myself, I was famous; people had been calling my secretary all morning to inquire about Rudy's health. When I called our regular vet (whom I had met only once) to make a follow-up appointment for Rudy, the receptionist asked, "Is this the famous Rudy's mother?" When I brought my car in for routine maintenance a few days later, Dave, my mechanic, said, "We read about your cat. Is he OK?" When I called a tree surgeon about my dying red oak, he asked if I knew the person on that street whose cat had been in the garbage disposal. And when I went to get my hair cut, the shampoo person told me the funny story her grandma had read in the paper, about a cat that got stuck in the garbage disposal. Even today, over a year later, people ask about Rudy, whom a 9-year-old neighbor had always called the Adventure Cat because he used to climb on the roof of her house and peer in the second-story window at her.

I don't know what the moral of this story is, but I do know that this adventure cost me $1100 in emergency vet bills, follow-up vet care, new sink, new plumbing, new electrical wiring, and new garbage disposal, one with a cover. The vet can no longer say he's seen everything but the kitchen sink.

I wanted to thank Officers Tom and Mike by giving them gift certificates to the local hardware store, but was told that they couldn't accept gifts, that I would put them in a bad position if I tried. So I wrote a letter to the Police Chief praising their good deeds and sent individual thank-you notes to Tom and Mike, complete with pictures of Rudy, so they could see what he looks like with his head on.

And Rudy, whom we originally got for free (or so we thought), still sleeps with me under the covers on cold nights and unaccountably, he still sometimes prowls the sink, hoping for fish ...